LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL pre-ripped clothes

Tad’s school recently invited me to come in and give a speech to the student body about the values of honesty. Mary Todd, who had just finished watching a segment of Dr. Phil about how married couples should try spending absolutely all of their time together, read this personal invitation over my shoulder, as she often does, and insisted that she come along as well. Even though she isn’t known as Honest Mary Todd and if I could be quite honest Abe about it, probably wasn’t going to add much to the presentation, I allowed her to accompany me to Tad’s school.

She then rolled around on the floor and sang “Rocket Man” in a continuous loop for forty-five minutes because, if I could be honest Abe about it again, Mary Todd is crazy.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL ufc

A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from a group named “UFC,” inviting me to partake in a “Grand Competition of Fearlessness, Honor, and Blood.” Since I had never heard of this “UFC,” and because I am aware I have a reputation as a “great debater,”*

I assumed the UFC standed for something such as United Forensics Club and that I was being invited to participate in a debate that would require “fearlessness” of opinions, “honor” in keeping with the rules, measures, and above all the truth, and “blood” for the use of keeping our bodies alive throughout the whole debate. Sadly upon arrival, this did not turn out to be the case.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL boondocks saints II: all saints day trailer

Somewhat recently, I had the pleasure of riding with my son by horse and carriage (the only form of transportation at the time, kids.  Riding on top of a horse wasn’t invented until 1937 and the invention of walking wasn’t even until 1958!) to Comic-Con 2009 in San Diego. Although I knew riding by horse and carriage all the way from our humble Illinois home would be a bit arduous, Tad had been nagging me to take him so he could see the new Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day trailer for quite some time, and luckily for him I knew nothing of Boondock Saints I: Many, But Not Quite All of the Saints Day.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL talbots

My wife, Mary Todd, has often shopped at Talbots in the past, but until a few days ago had always gone alone or with some equally crazy (my wife’s crazy) friends such as these guys…

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL cuba gooding jr.

Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.

The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”

In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL life is good

Mary Todd used to wear Life is Good products religiously. And not in the sense of the word that she would just wear the product often, it was actually part of her religious beliefs to wear the product and worship the product’s character, Jake, as a god. As I’ve pointed out many a time by now, Mary Todd is crazy.

Since my better (or crazier) half was so in to these t-shirts, socks, hats, and other various apparrel items, I felt somewhat of an obligation to at least try wearing something “Life is Good.” Even at the time I knew the product was uncool, but little did I know that the product was actually deadly.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL sleeveless t-shirts

Mary Todd and myself recently made an appearance at a house party down the street. Although most of the party goers were college kids, we felt the need to go as the host, Benjamin Franklin, is such a dear friend of ours. Also, because Benjamin Franklin knows how to throw a “whirley” (is that what the kids are saying these days) party and Mary Todd and I were ready to go a bit CRAZY (well Mary Todd is always crazy but I feel the point still makes sense).

When we arrived, most of the attendees were already wasted, which was fine, but also awkward to navigate around in the attempt to find Benjamin. After about five minutes of searching without any luck, Mary Todd and myself settled on to neighboring barstools at the bar Benjamin had in his basement.

I tried to start up a conversation with Mary Todd about how much Benjamin’s basement had changed since our last visit – for example I did not recall there being scantily dressed twenty somethings doused in glitter and makeup locked up in cages hanging from the ceiling and dancing quite seductively, but who knows I may be wrong – but Mary Todd was in her own world.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL the ugly truth

Since my horribly unsatisfactory experience at the Ford Theater so many years ago,* all theaters across the country have agreed to let me in for free, therefore allowing me to see pretty much every movie. Unfortunately, even “free” is not a good deal sometimes.

To be fair, the trauma this movie caused me is partly my fault, as I should have known what I was getting into when I saw the movie posters. As seen above, the poster features the insufferable Katherine Heigl holding a heart in a manner that seems to say, “I’m a thirty year old woman that’s just looking for love in this world but am also pretty hilarious. Right other ladies!.” And where is the heart placed on Gerard Butler’s body? Upon his genitals! HILARIOUS!!! I can relate to this poster as I too have noticed how woman just want to be loved and guys are just dirty human beings looking for sex.***

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL harley davidson

Quite recently, Mary Todd insisted that we go to a Harley Davidson sponsored festival that was happening in the area. In her mind, she believed that seeing all the brand new motorcycles would make us kids again.* Although all evidence pointed that this would be a terrible idea, I reluctantly agreed to go anyway as I do love my wife.

We arrived at the festival and immediately our ears were pounded with music being played by the local hard-rock station, DC 101, who was DJing the event. The first song we heard was by Nine Inch Nails, because of course it would be. The event was already starting out on a good note.

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL cargo shorts

My lovely but insane wife, Mary Todd, gave a pair of cargo shorts to me on my thirty-fourth birthday. At the time, I was fairly unaware of this type of shorts and therefore had no qualms as to wearing them that very same day. What a huge mistake that was.

My first order of business after putting them on was to find some cool things to put inside the many pockets that formed two storage towers on both sides of my legs. Searching the house, I found a drawing little Tad had drawn for me at his log cabin school earlier in the week, a copy of the United States Constitution (the best constitution), and, of course, my favorite chair. After filling the pockets to about half capacity, I set out on a stroll around town.