My wife, Mary Todd, has often shopped at Talbots in the past, but until a few days ago had always gone alone or with some equally crazy (my wife’s crazy) friends such as these guys…
But on Mary Todd’s most recent trip to Talbots, I had the unpleasure of joining her.
Mary Todd, our son, Tad, and myself all walked in to differing looks from the employees. Mary Todd received a customary “welcoming” look, Tad received the look of a grandmother upon her grandchild, while I received a look that told me they thought I was the devil. Unfortunately Mary Todd soon left us to go try on some blouse so Tad and I were all alone.
As soon as Mary Todd had rounded the corner, the employees rushed Tad in “lovey dovey” fashion and offered him hard candies at the front desk. I tried to stop this but there were simply too many of them, and I have never been a fighter, just a humble emancipator.
When the employees had finally gotten me alone, I felt a prick on the left side of my neck, and soon realized that I had been shot with some sort of dart. I then blacked out.
I woke up strapped upon a board with my feet elevated above my head in a room I had never seen before. On further inspection, it appeared to be the Talbots break room.
Four women were standing over me, glaring.
Woman 1- “What do you have to say for yourself?”
Myself- “I’m not sure what all of this is about. You’re going to have to clarify all of this.”
Woman 2- “Who do you think you are, having a male demon stick?”
Myself- “Excuse me?”
Woman 4*- “You think you can just waltz around through life with that…that thing and not get punished for it?”
Myself- “Are you angry at me for being the gender of a male?”
All four women gasped and took a step back as if what I had said had disturbed them to their womeny** core.
Woman 1- “We’re going to waterboard you so bad.”
Woman 2- “Woman 3, get the bucket of water.”
Woman 3 (which I guess was her real name! That was quite the call if I do say so myself) left to get the bucket. When she returned, she made some frantic moans and whistles that the others seemed to understand.
Woman 4- “Damn, his wife is about to finish trying on her blouse. We need to get him back out there.”
Before untying me, they all stared me down one last time and shook their heads.
Myself- “I’m sorry…”
But it was no use. They hated me with too much of a passion to change their minds at this point.
When we arrived outside, the other clerks were still pampering Tad with a bowl of hard candies. It was interesting to watch the scene and know how temporary this treatment was. As soon as Tad reached the age of puberty, and started becoming a man, the womeny women’s attitude towards him would quickly change.
Mary Todd (who had just approached on my left)- “I didn’t like the blouse, let’s get out of here.”
Those were probably the most beautiful words I had heard all month.
Talbots is so uncool.