LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL life is good

Mary Todd used to wear Life is Good products religiously. And not in the sense of the word that she would just wear the product often, it was actually part of her religious beliefs to wear the product and worship the product’s character, Jake, as a god. As I’ve pointed out many a time by now, Mary Todd is crazy.

Since my better (or crazier) half was so in to these t-shirts, socks, hats, and other various apparrel items, I felt somewhat of an obligation to at least try wearing something “Life is Good.” Even at the time I knew the product was uncool, but little did I know that the product was actually deadly.

Life is Death

As soon as I started wearing a Life is Good t-shirt in public, I noticed drastic changes in my life. For one, I no longer had friends under the age of forty-five. In those days it appeared as if the only people willing to hang out anymore were middle-aged woman with short hair cuts.

Hanging out with this demographic was if not as exciting, an interesting time period in my life. They showed me that living alone is actually not too bad because all the dog calenders and of course, Life is Good products you get to buy makes up for it (in their mind). They assured me with, what I would like to say as terrifying, laughter that Jake was all the man they needed in their lives.

On weeknights we would watch re-runs of Golden Girls, or Gilmore Girls, or Pimp My Ride (don’t ask), while on weekends we would “go out on the town.” Now while for most people “going out on the town” may mean hitting up some bars or clubs and possibly attempting to partake in intercourse that night, these girls approached their nights very differently.

Our wild goings around the town would usually consist of going to the candle shop, getting a head start on grocery shopping, or just talking all night about how much we love Sandra Bullock. Although I was having a…time with these ladies, I soon felt the need to go in a different direction with my life.

Unfortunately, that did not turn out to be an available option.

At first I tried to kindly blow the group off by claiming things such as a need for rest or wanting to spend some time with the family, but this never worked out. If I would stay at home, they would come to the White House to hang out. If I would go out to dinner with the family, they would squeeze into our booth as well. If I would try to have intercourse with Mary Todd, they would attempt to have intercourse with her as well. I just could not shake this group off.

Finally I realized I needed to take a more proactive approach, so I called them up (they’re always together so they share one phone line) and told them I no longer wanted to hang out anymore. Although there was just silence on the phone, I just assumed they were taking the news somewhat badly at the moment but would be fine soon. Unfortunately this was not the case.

They abducted me from my house at two in the morning, and drove fast with me in the trunk for about forty five minutes. When the car finally stopped and they let me out, I could make out that we had parked in the middle of a forest. I was then tied to a wicker chair and blindfolded.*

Eventually I came to realize that they were never going to let me out of the chair until I swore in blood that I would wear Life is Good for forever more and also watch Gilmore Girls every Wednesday night. They warned me that if I even tried to break free they would shoot me down in cold blood in the name of Jake.

An hour long stand still ensued. Finally I had had it. I decided I would rather be dead than forced to submit to their ways. But as I was gathering the strength to stand up and therefore consequently take the inevitable bullet that would end my life a sort of miracle occurred.

A galloping noise could be heard coming from the distance, first faint and hardly audible but with each rapidly passing second the noise became louder and louder. Approaching on a great white stallion was my good friend Andrew Jackson.

Before the middle-aged women could react, Jackson had pulled me up on to his steed and we were riding off into safety. I explained to him that just because I was away from them now, that did not mean I was safe as they would probably follow me forever. But Andrew Jackson just laughed and said he would just go back and “change their minds.” By this he meant sleeping with every last one of them.

And so he did, and so I was free forevermore.

Will sleep with anyone

Life is Good is so uncool.

*I think they had originally planned to blindfold me when they first abducted me, but they had forgot. There really was no point of doing it at this point in the process as I had already seen everyone involved and seen where they had taken me, but oh well. It was their abduction.