Tag Archives: fashion

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL pre-ripped clothes


Tad’s school recently invited me to come in and give a speech to the student body about the values of honesty. Mary Todd, who had just finished watching a segment of Dr. Phil about how married couples should try spending absolutely all of their time together, read this personal invitation over my shoulder, as she often does, and insisted that she come along as well. Even though she isn’t known as Honest Mary Todd and if I could be quite honest Abe about it, probably wasn’t going to add much to the presentation, I allowed her to accompany me to Tad’s school.

She then rolled around on the floor and sang “Rocket Man” in a continuous loop for forty-five minutes because, if I could be honest Abe about it again, Mary Todd is crazy. Continue reading



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My wife, Mary Todd, has often shopped at Talbots in the past, but until a few days ago had always gone alone or with some equally crazy (my wife’s crazy) friends such as these guys… Continue reading


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Since it is always the same story with rude people…

foxpaltrow flower Continue reading


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life is good
Mary Todd used to wear Life is Good products religiously. And not in the sense of the word that she would just wear the product often, it was actually part of her religious beliefs to wear the product and worship the product’s character, Jake, as a god. As I’ve pointed out many a time by now, Mary Todd is crazy.

Since my better (or crazier) half was so in to these t-shirts, socks, hats, and other various apparrel items, I felt somewhat of an obligation to at least try wearing something “Life is Good.” Even at the time I knew the product was uncool, but little did I know that the product was actually deadly.

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LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL sleeveless t-shirts


Mary Todd and myself recently made an appearance at a house party down the street. Although most of the party goers were college kids, we felt the need to go as the host, Benjamin Franklin, is such a dear friend of ours. Also, because Benjamin Franklin knows how to throw a “whirley” (is that what the kids are saying these days) party and Mary Todd and I were ready to go a bit CRAZY (well Mary Todd is always crazy but I feel the point still makes sense).

When we arrived, most of the attendees were already wasted, which was fine, but also awkward to navigate around in the attempt to find Benjamin. After about five minutes of searching without any luck, Mary Todd and myself settled on to neighboring barstools at the bar Benjamin had in his basement.

I tried to start up a conversation with Mary Todd about how much Benjamin’s basement had changed since our last visit – for example I did not recall there being scantily dressed twenty somethings doused in glitter and makeup locked up in cages hanging from the ceiling and dancing quite seductively, but who knows I may be wrong – but Mary Todd was in her own world.

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cargo shorts

My lovely but insane wife, Mary Todd, gave a pair of cargo shorts to me on my thirty-fourth birthday. At the time, I was fairly unaware of this type of shorts and therefore had no qualms as to wearing them that very same day. What a huge mistake that was.

My first order of business after putting them on was to find some cool things to put inside the many pockets that formed two storage towers on both sides of my legs. Searching the house, I found a drawing little Tad had drawn for me at his log cabin school earlier in the week, a copy of the United States Constitution (the best constitution), and, of course, my favorite chair. After filling the pockets to about half capacity, I set out on a stroll around town. Continue reading


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