Jay Leno recently invited Mary Todd and me to a personal dinner in Los Angeles, an invitation that we were baffled to receive but accepted anyways. Even though neither Mary Todd nor myself were fans of his, we figured it would be rude to turn the offer down, and we like to think that we are not rude people like Stonewall Jackson’s family.
We arrived at the restaurant, which admittedly was very nice, a few minutes after Leno apparently had arrived. When we walked through the door he greeted us with a smug smile and told us he had already scoped out the best table in the house. So we followed him into the restaurant, eventually stopping at a table that was occupied by Conan O’Brien.
Leno – “Waitress, I have found the table we will be sitting at tonight.”
Waitress – “Sir, Conan O’Brien is already sitting here. You had the table last night, it’s time to let someone else have it.”
At this Leno started to throw a fit about how he deserves to sit wherever he wants because he’s the number one comedian in America and the backbone of a major television corporation. Eventually the waitress had no choice but to compromise, and stacked a table on top of the one Conan was sitting at, and placed our chairs on top of Conan and his guests’ laps.
Leno’s original smile and smug congeniality returned.
Leno – “Now this is more like it.”
So we reluctantly sat down on the chairs stacked on top of Conan and his guests and made our orders to the waitress. After a few moments of awkward silence, Leno leaned closer into the table and smiled.
Leno – “Do you like jokes?”
Not wanting to be impolite, and knowing that technically I enjoyed jokes made by other people, I replied that yes, I like jokes.
So Jay Leno did a forty minute monologue of jokes that had subjects of dubious relevance, all while we waited for our orders, sitting on top of Conan O’Brien and his guests.
Leno – “You hear about this Hillary Clinton thing?”
Lincoln – “I mean, maybe.”
Leno – “Yeah, apparently she’s angry that Bill is taking the spotlight from her now that she is Secretary of State.”
Lincoln – “Alright…I think I’ve been hearing that off and on for the past few months. What about it?”
Leno – “She should talk to Monica Lewinsky if she wants to get in the news. Am I right?”
Although I was fairly covert in my annoyance, Mary Todd let out a very audible groan.
Leno – “What you didn’t like that one? You know what, let’s move on to something else. Did you know I own over four hundred cars? Isn’t that incredible? Four hundred. And all over the price of most people’s houses.”
Mary Todd and me exchanged confused looks.
Lincoln – “What’s a car?”
Leno – (responding uneasily) “You have to be joking. How do you get around?”
Lincoln – “We have our trustworthy horse and buggy. Honestly what is a car?”
Leno seemed to be getting smaller.
Leno – “They’re, they’re important. I have four hundred of them.”
I honestly had no idea what he was talking about.
Lincoln – “Are you talking about trains? I am familiar with trains.”
Leno seemed to be melting on to his seat.
Leno – “No! Stop! I own four hundred. All more expensive than the average house!”
Mary Todd – “I think he’s talking about chariots, dear.”
Leno – “No!”
Lincoln – “I’m going to go with trains again. Do you own four hundred trains?”
Jay Leno had now completely melted, right on to the seat. We then realized that it had now been a full hour and our orders had never come. Meanwhile, Conan’s party’s orders were just arriving.
Lincoln – “Conan, do you think we could sit with you? We’re sorry for joining a party that was crippling to your own.”
And Conan forgave us, and we had a great dinner.
For needing your cars to keep your ego and personal image alive, which is sad, and for attempting to squash Conan O’Brien…
Jay Leno is so uncool.