A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from a group named “UFC,” inviting me to partake in a “Grand Competition of Fearlessness, Honor, and Blood.” Since I had never heard of this “UFC,” and because I am aware I have a reputation as a “great debater,”*
I assumed the UFC standed for something such as United Forensics Club and that I was being invited to participate in a debate that would require “fearlessness” of opinions, “honor” in keeping with the rules, measures, and above all the truth, and “blood” for the use of keeping our bodies alive throughout the whole debate. Sadly upon arrival, this did not turn out to be the case.
I suppose a red badge of courage should have gone off in my mind when I showed up to the venue and realized that the “match” would be happening inside of a cage. At the time, I remember thinking that the cage was probably to keep us safe from any hot-blooded spectators who opposed our sharp-tongued viewpoints. This thought was quickly disproven.
After asking if I was ready, and if I would really be going out there in what I was wearing (I was donning my standard full-length suit coat, and steam-pressed black pants. Of course the answer was yes), I was led into the cage and into the middle of about one thousand screaming, white fans. I made a mental note to make sure the match organizers were aware of my Emancipation Proclamation and the outcome of the Civil War after the event was over.
On the other side of the cage stood my opponent, shirtless and hulk-sized. Although I do not like to think in stereotypes, it was not looking like this debate was going to be all that difficult. I was definitely getting a vibe that even Stonewall Jackson could defeat this man in an oratory fight.**
To start things on the right foot, I meandered my way on over to the man-hulk and extended my hand in greeting. Apparently this was insulting to the man-hulk, as he returned my act of well-wishing with a cold stare and an exaggerated spit onto the debating ground.
Taken back a bit, I tried to about face by wishing the man luck and backing away with a half turn as to move on from what just happened, but the man-hulk was not ready for this awkward exchange to end.
Man-hulk (with a look that penetrated my soul)- “I want, you inside me.”
Myself (trying to give the tone of flattered but still making it clear that I am not interested in that kind of thing)- “Pardon?”
Man-hulk- “I am going to eat you alive out there.”
Myself (relieved, but to be honest a bit crushed as well***)- “Oh.”
Still not entirely catching on to the fact that I had mistaken the meaning of the acronym UFC, I stayed in the cage and waited for the referee to give us our debating topic.
As should have been obvious at this point, the debating topic never came. The bell rang and as I held my perfectly erect stature and looked towards the judges to ask what we should be debating, the man-hulk ran up to me and attempted to punch me in the face.
I say attempted because just as I was about to be knocked cold onto the cage floor, Andrew Jackson came riding up on his white steed and trampled the man-hulk to the ground. Then I jumped on his steed and we rode to safety.
When we were at a safe distance from the venue and I was no longer in any harm, Andrew Jackson dropped me off and said he had some unfinished business to complete.
And so Andrew Jackson rode back to the stadium and slept with every woman in the audience (consensually of course), as Andrew Jackson is not only very crazy but also very sexy to the ladies as well.
Looking back on this, there were so many clues that should have tipped me off from my confusion such as…
-there was an average of 2.3 skulls located either on clothes or skin of every person in the audience
-all the yelling (so much yelling)
–Harley Davidson was a sponsor
-most of the audience was wearing sleeveless t-shirts
-many of the signs read “Ultimate Fighting Championship” (this really should have tipped me off)
But nevertheless I failed to notice these, and therefore if it were not for my old friend Andrew Jackson, I may have ended the day with two holes in my head.
UFC is so uncool.