About a month ago, Mary Todd became obsessed with the idea of taking a tour of the television channel, TLC’s, headquarters. Over the years I have learned not to question her strange passions (such as becoming a Seal impersonator, starting a magazine devoted entirely to pictures of caterpillars, and trying to become a pterodactyl) as there is no stopping the crazy. So in any case, we made the trip.
When we arrived at TLC’s headquarters, the woman at the front desk seemed a bit confused as no one had ever made a request to tour the place, but eventually we were allowed inside when they recognized me as a former Congressman from Illinois. With free use of the Pony Express for life and a guarantee of office space in Springfield whenever I request it, being a former Congressman sure has its perks!
Anyways, we walked around the building for awhile and passed the places where they work on such culturally defining shows such as Police Women of Browerd County and Toddlers & Tiaras. Mary Todd was enjoying herself immensely (she even went into an epileptic fit from the extreme joy she was experiencing! This is pretty normal for her, no need to take worry) so at the very least I felt good about that.
After about an hour of touring, Mary Todd decided that if she did not get a Mountain Cooler Capri Sun pack (the drink with four fruity, wholesome flavors moms can feel good about) in the next five minutes she was going to literally die. So she darted away at full speed presumably to find a vending machine and left the tour guide and me alone with each other.
This is the last thing I remember before blacking out.
I woke up in a rather small cage in what appeared to be some sort of laboratory in an underground basement of the TLC headquarters. Although it appeared like I was alone just as I was waking up, a few moments after regaining consciousness a swarm of people in ancient tribal attire swept into the room and dragged me out of my cage and into another room nearby.
The new room was also almost completely empty except for a throne made out of bones and a woman with blond hair who was lounging on top of the tribal chair. After standing in front of the woman for a few minutes with the people dressed in tribal attire, she finally spoke and introduced herself as Kate Gosselin.
The entire group of people dressed in tribal attire then lined up in front of Kate and allowed her to remove their hearts Mayan style one at a time.
Kate- “They aren’t worthy to hear my name, and as you will see in a moment, we have plenty of spares.”
She then rang a small bell and another identical looking group of people dressed in tribal attire appeared and began dragging me out of the room. But before we had reached the door Kate stopped us.
Kate- “Oh and by the way…Kate Gosselin.”
And so the previous Mayan-esque events happened again and she called in another identical looking group to finish dragging me out.
I ended up being placed on a chair facing a corner of the room which was mostly bare and unnaturally white just like the other two rooms, with the exception that the words “Our American Cousin” were written upon the corner in blood, and was left to wait. Eventually a woman in a pants-suit came into the room and introduced herself as the woman who runs the show previously named Jon & Kate Plus Eight.
She explained to me that I would be playing Kate’s new husband in the re-named show Lincoln & Kate Plus Eight, and that if I refused I would be forced to “give Kate another eight.”
After quickly asking if there was an option that involved death and being told that there was not, I saw that I had no choice but to agree to replace “Jon.”
The lady in the pants-suit then smiled a Nurse Ratched sort of smile and told me I needed to perform an act of initiation. She then walked out of my view and came back dragging a very attractive man in a well-brimmed top hat. The man was left, slumped and facing backward, against the corner of the walls I was facing.
Lady- “This is your clone, Mr. Lincoln. He looks exactly like you except for one glaring detail.”
The lady then walked back over to where I was sitting and handed me a Philadelphia Derringer pistol.
Lady- (whispering in my ear) “Let go of David Webb. Will you give yourself to this program?
Lincoln- “What? Who’s David Webb?”
Lady: “I know. I know.”
She could tell I was still very reluctant to shoot the clone of myself in the back of the head so she left the room once again, but returned this time with Kate, who was being carried while sitting on her throne of bones by another set of tribal attire wearing people.
Kate Gosselin: “I think it’s time to fill me up again.”*
After shuttering off that mental image I came to the conclusion that I was going to have to shoot this clone.
The two women could see the resolve that had finally entered my eyes and backed off. I stood up quickly and aimed the gun for the back of the clone’s head.
The room was filled with noise.
However, instead of coming from the barrel of the pistol in my hand, the source of the sudden volume increase came from the wall behind us. Mary Todd had just jumped through the wall.
Mary Todd: “I got the Capri Sun, let’s get out of here!”
Lincoln: “They’re not going to just let us leave.”
Mary Todd: “You have a gun in your hand.”
Lincoln: “I’m not going to shoot them! You know I wouldn’t even shoot a deer even if it was deering all over the place.”
Mary Todd: “You were about to shoot that clone.”
Lincoln: “Well clones probably don’t even have souls.”
Mary Todd: “Fine. Fine. I’ll squirt this Capri Sun in their eyes and they’ll be too distracted to follow us.”
Kate: “We’re right here. We can hear every word you are saying. All we have to do now is cover our eyes and we’ll be immune to your plan.”
And so Kate and the lady covered their eyes, and we walked out unnoticed.
Once outside TLC’s headquarters the fact that Mary Todd, the wife I make fun of constantly for being crazy, had just calmly barged into a highly dangerous situation and courageously saved my body from being used to give Kate babies really set in.
Lincoln- “Mary Todd that was incredible! How did you break through that wall to get into the room? It looked like it was made out of cement!”
Mary Todd- “I guess love breaks through all boundaries.”
I started to think that perhaps the crazy Mary Todd has been all along, has just been crazy in love.
But then she started trying to become a pterodactyl again, and everything was back to normal.**
Kate Gosselin is so uncool.