My lovely but insane wife, Mary Todd, gave a pair of cargo shorts to me on my thirty-fourth birthday. At the time, I was fairly unaware of this type of shorts and therefore had no qualms as to wearing them that very same day. What a huge mistake that was.
My first order of business after putting them on was to find some cool things to put inside the many pockets that formed two storage towers on both sides of my legs. Searching the house, I found a drawing little Tad had drawn for me at his log cabin school earlier in the week, a copy of the United States Constitution (the best constitution), and, of course, my favorite chair. After filling the pockets to about half capacity, I set out on a stroll around town.
Eventually I reached the waterfront, where I enjoy visiting to just ponder my troubles (such as the fact that my wife is absolutely crazy)* for hours on end. But this visit did not lend itself to pondering. Out in the middle of the stream was a young woman who had fallen in and was beginning to drown. Being a man who is a volunteer lifeguard (if someone’s life needs to be easily saved, I’ll volunteer) I climbed the ledge and dove into the water.
But trouble struck.
After diving in head first, I could not seem to bring my upper body back up the surface, rather my legs and feet just kept dangling in the air. Although it took me a few moments to realize it at the time, the cause of this seems quite obvious now…the buoyancy caused by the items stowed within my cargo shorts was too great to go underwater. Now not only was the young woman at risk of drowning, now I, too, could very well die.
Luckily, the always heroic and my dear friend, John Adams came to the rescue and hoisted us both out of the water using a pulley attached to his flying pterodactyl. For almost causing me, Abraham Lincoln, to drown…
Cargo shorts are so uncool.