A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from a group named “UFC,” inviting me to partake in a “Grand Competition of Fearlessness, Honor, and Blood.” Since I had never heard of this “UFC,” and because I am aware I have a reputation as a “great debater,”*
I assumed the UFC standed for something such as United Forensics Club and that I was being invited to participate in a debate that would require “fearlessness” of opinions, “honor” in keeping with the rules, measures, and above all the truth, and “blood” for the use of keeping our bodies alive throughout the whole debate. Sadly upon arrival, this did not turn out to be the case. Continue reading
Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.
The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”
In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket. Continue reading
A couple of weeks ago, Ulysses S. Grant won a pair of tickets to a “smooth jazz” concert put on by a local radio station. Although neither of us were fans of this genre, the tickets were free so we decided we might as well go. What a disastrous decision that ended up being.
We arrived at the concert a few minutes late so the band had already begun to play as we walked in. Immediately, we both noticed an overwhelming cloud of sedation overcome us. Both our bodies went numb, just like the time Ulysses convinced me to take those “mystery pills” with those hookers. Continue reading
Since it is always the same story with rude people…