Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.
The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”
In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket.
For awhile the dinner proceeded smoothly. Although Cuba seemed to be dropping the fact that he once one an Oscar into every topic of conversation, at least we were talking. However this did get especially awkward when we were talking about how terrible and bloody the Battle of Gettysburg was.
Myself- “When the sun sets on a day such as that, with so many thousands of men lying dead, quiet on the ground, all for the sake of fighting for a cause they cared so deeply about as to give their lives, it really makes a human think of his place in the world and how trivial our personal accomplishments are in the great scheme of things. Life is all there is, awards are just useless ornaments to pass the time.
Cuba- “Did I ever mention I beat out Edward Norton to win an Oscar?” (this was the fourth time that night).
After awhile, Tad finally felt comfortable enough to ask Cuba a question.*
Tad- “Weren’t you in Snow Dogs?”
Cuba sat in his chair for a few seconds, absolutely still, but with his eyes starting to bulge at an alarmingly increasing rate and with blood very clearly rushing to his face. A look of blissful ignorance was on Tad’s face, a certain calm before the storm, not knowing what was about to erupt from across the table.
Cuba eventually whispered from his shaking face, “I was not in that movie.”
Although Tad was a fan of the movie, Cuba had suffered too much trauma throughout the last few years for movies such as Snow Dogs for him to realize a fan from a heckler anymore.
Unfortunately for all of us, Tad persisted.
Tad- “Oh, well weren’t you in Daddy Day Care then?”
This was too much for Cuba.
Cuba Gooding Jr. bolted up so quickly that his chair flew from behind him. With tears running down his face he whispered, “I won an Oscar.” Then more audibly, “I won a mother fucking Oscar.”
Then Cuba jumped through our window and ran down the street, eventually out of our sight forever.
Although in all sincerity, I do feel bad for him from the bottom of my humble heart, I still must be honest Abe and say…
Cuba Gooding Jr. is so uncool.