Tag Archives: civil war


ufc uncool

A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from a group named “UFC,” inviting me to partake in a “Grand Competition of Fearlessness, Honor, and Blood.” Since I had never heard of this “UFC,” and because I am aware I have a reputation as a “great debater,”*

I assumed the UFC standed for something such as United Forensics Club and that I was being invited to participate in a debate that would require “fearlessness” of opinions, “honor” in keeping with the rules, measures, and above all the truth, and “blood” for the use of keeping our bodies alive throughout the whole debate. Sadly upon arrival, this did not turn out to be the case. Continue reading



Filed under Sports

LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL cuba gooding jr.


Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.

The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”

In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket. Continue reading


Filed under Actors


nickelback lincoln

The summer of 1861 sure was a hectic one. What with the Civil War of the country I was presiding over starting and more importantly my son going through a Nickelback phase, change was all around my humble self.

I must admit, the first press conference of the summer was quite difficult. The Press Corps were like sharks that day, asking hardball question after hardball question about what I even knew at the time to be one of our country’s greatest criseses.

“How long has your son been listening to Nickelback?”

“Do you believe this infatuation with Nickelback to be just a phase or do you see this as having lasting power?”

“Why are you still making speeches about the Civil War when we all know you are just distracting us from the real crises? You’re son is a Nickelhead.”

Oh God, that day was awful. Did they really believe I knew the answers to those questions? Did they really believe I hadn’t spent every night since the news hit tossing and turning in my bed just trying to figure out how to solve this national crisis? Looking back on my presidency, my son becoming a Nickelback fan truly was my lowest moment and most difficult challenge. Continue reading


Filed under Musicians



Let me begin by saying I love the internet. Many a time I have curled up with my lovely (but crazy!) wife with a perfectly aged glass of red wine and turned on the Youtube. Although I am quite perfectly aged myself, the internet still appeals to me much like those lovely showgirls appealed to me back in my years as president. What years those were!

Now we may continue.

What seems like forever ago, I was browsing through my favorite video blogs within the Daily Union Mail Gazette (computers were not invented until 2005, kids) when my son Tad interrupted my UnionVideoGum reading to announce he just had to show me this video he had just seen at a friend’s antebellum* mansion. At the time I did not realize how right I was to be skeptical.

The video Tad wanted to show me ended up beingĀ  Fred Goes to the Dentist, or in other words, Tad wanted to show me the longest two and a half minutes of my humble life. Honestly, it even felt longer than when I read Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, which up until seeing this video was my gold standard for time’s that felt longer than normal time. Continue reading


Filed under Comedians