Let me begin by saying I love the internet. Many a time I have curled up with my lovely (but crazy!) wife with a perfectly aged glass of red wine and turned on the Youtube. Although I am quite perfectly aged myself, the internet still appeals to me much like those lovely showgirls appealed to me back in my years as president. What years those were!
Now we may continue.
What seems like forever ago, I was browsing through my favorite video blogs within the Daily Union Mail Gazette (computers were not invented until 2005, kids) when my son Tad interrupted my UnionVideoGum reading to announce he just had to show me this video he had just seen at a friend’s antebellum* mansion. At the time I did not realize how right I was to be skeptical.
The video Tad wanted to show me ended up being Fred Goes to the Dentist, or in other words, Tad wanted to show me the longest two and a half minutes of my humble life. Honestly, it even felt longer than when I read Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, which up until seeing this video was my gold standard for time’s that felt longer than normal time.
A few minutes after Tad finished showing me the video and I finished restraining myself from strangling my beloved son for causing me this unneeded torture**, my also beloved friend (at the time!) Robert E. Lee dropped by to check up on my son and me. Of course, Tad felt the need to share his newly found video with Mr. Lee as well.
Robert, who the reader must know never held his tongue when he felt the need to criticize, agreed to watch the video under the circumstance that I recommended the video as well. Not wanting to crush my son’s hopes and dreams of having Robert E. Lee watch Fred Goes to the Dentist, I reluctantly seconded the recommendation.
With what should have been expected, Robert hated the video. Although refraining from yelling at my son, as he was only six years of age at the time, he really went down on me for a good twenty minutes and blew his load of anger all over my face. He closed by remarking that he expected much more from me and that under no circumstance could he, or the southern states he represented, be a part of a United States in which I was President of anymore. For causing the American Civil War…
Fred is so uncool.