Let me begin by saying I love the internet. Many a time I have curled up with my lovely (but crazy!) wife with a perfectly aged glass of red wine and turned on the Youtube. Although I am quite perfectly aged myself, the internet still appeals to me much like those lovely showgirls appealed to me back in my years as president. What years those were!

Now we may continue.

What seems like forever ago, I was browsing through my favorite video blogs within the Daily Union Mail Gazette (computers were not invented until 2005, kids) when my son Tad interrupted my UnionVideoGum reading to announce he just had to show me this video he had just seen at a friend’s antebellum* mansion. At the time I did not realize how right I was to be skeptical.

The video Tad wanted to show me ended up being  Fred Goes to the Dentist, or in other words, Tad wanted to show me the longest two and a half minutes of my humble life. Honestly, it even felt longer than when I read Conrad’s Heart of Darkness, which up until seeing this video was my gold standard for time’s that felt longer than normal time.

Gold standard for a time that felt longer than normal time

Gold standard for a time that felt longer than normal time

A few minutes after Tad finished showing me the video and I finished restraining myself from strangling my beloved son for causing me this unneeded torture**, my also beloved friend (at the time!) Robert E. Lee dropped by to check up on my son and me. Of course, Tad felt the need to share his newly found video with Mr. Lee as well.

Robert, who the reader must know never held his tongue when he felt the need to criticize, agreed to watch the video under the circumstance that I recommended the video as well. Not wanting to crush my son’s hopes and dreams of having Robert E. Lee watch Fred Goes to the Dentist, I reluctantly seconded the recommendation.

With what should have been expected, Robert hated the video. Although refraining from yelling at my son, as he was only six years of age at the time, he really went down on me for a good twenty minutes and blew his load of anger all over my face. He closed by remarking that he expected much more from me and that under no circumstance could he, or the southern states he represented, be a part of a United States in which I was President of anymore. For causing the American Civil War…

Fred is so uncool.

*I am well aware that antebellum means postwar, meaning the time period directly after I was shot in the head by that vagabond, Lee Harvey Oswald. But I assure you, my facts and story are correct.
** Except in the bedroom, torture is always unneeded.


Filed under Comedians

28 responses to “LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL fred

  1. John

    I swear Fred is so annoying. When I see his scrunched up little face making high pitched squeaks I just want to smack him. ;/

  2. Gramma Snob

    I didn’t waste time reading this whole article, so perhaps this error was part of the larger comedic atmosphere, but antebellum actually means pre-war; as in, “Fred lived in a beautiful antebellum home.”

    • I’m so glad to hear you didn’t waste time reading the whole article!

      And yes, I know what antebellum means. If you had read the entire article, you would have learned that the events took place right before the Civil War.

      The second to last paragraph would be of especial note as the time of the piece and it’s relation to the Civil War is very clearly noted.

      Thanks for taking the time to leave such a lovely comment!

  3. Ari

    I, myself, thankfully, have escaped from seeing Fred at any time.

    However, merely the shirts they sell of it are, quite enough to encourage my distancing of this particular youtube ‘hit’ from myself.

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