A few weeks ago, I received a letter in the mail from a group named “UFC,” inviting me to partake in a “Grand Competition of Fearlessness, Honor, and Blood.” Since I had never heard of this “UFC,” and because I am aware I have a reputation as a “great debater,”*
I assumed the UFC standed for something such as United Forensics Club and that I was being invited to participate in a debate that would require “fearlessness” of opinions, “honor” in keeping with the rules, measures, and above all the truth, and “blood” for the use of keeping our bodies alive throughout the whole debate. Sadly upon arrival, this did not turn out to be the case. Continue reading
Somewhat recently, I had the pleasure of riding with my son by horse and carriage (the only form of transportation at the time, kids. Riding on top of a horse wasn’t invented until 1937 and the invention of walking wasn’t even until 1958!) to Comic-Con 2009 in San Diego. Although I knew riding by horse and carriage all the way from our humble Illinois home would be a bit arduous, Tad had been nagging me to take him so he could see the new Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day trailer for quite some time, and luckily for him I knew nothing of Boondock Saints I: Many, But Not Quite All of the Saints Day. Continue reading
My wife, Mary Todd, has often shopped at Talbots in the past, but until a few days ago had always gone alone or with some equally crazy (my wife’s crazy) friends such as these guys… Continue reading
Recently Mary Todd was reading one of those women magazines, Women Magazine for Women, and came across a challenge that forces you to make new friends. Although I assured my wife that we have plenty of friends, Mary Todd persisted and decided to do the challenge. After this decision of hers, she proceeded to roll around on the ground hissing for a good thirty minutes in an unrelated matter, but this is besides the point.
The challenge that this women’s magazine had proposed was to go to your local supermarket and invite one random person over for dinner that night. It was advised to look respectable while doing so as not to be confused for a rapist/poor “person.”
In the end, in a surprise that was completely accidental, Mary Todd brought home Cuba Gooding Jr. from the supermarket. Continue reading
A couple of weeks ago, Ulysses S. Grant won a pair of tickets to a “smooth jazz” concert put on by a local radio station. Although neither of us were fans of this genre, the tickets were free so we decided we might as well go. What a disastrous decision that ended up being.
We arrived at the concert a few minutes late so the band had already begun to play as we walked in. Immediately, we both noticed an overwhelming cloud of sedation overcome us. Both our bodies went numb, just like the time Ulysses convinced me to take those “mystery pills” with those hookers. Continue reading
Mary Todd insited that we both go see Julie & Julia today, a movie about a chef and a blogger just trying to overcome the obstacles of the respective worlds they live in-the chef trying to overcome the fact that she is a woman in a male dominated profession and the blogger trying to overcome the fact that she is a worthless blogger.*
As I have mentioned before, I do not have to pay for my movie tickets. But as I have also mentioned before, sometimes even free is too much of a cost. Continue reading