Mary Todd insited that we both go see Julie & Julia today, a movie about a chef and a blogger just trying to overcome the obstacles of the respective worlds they live in-the chef trying to overcome the fact that she is a woman in a male dominated profession and the blogger trying to overcome the fact that she is a worthless blogger.*

As I have mentioned before, I do not have to pay for my movie tickets. But as I have also mentioned before, sometimes even free is too much of a cost.

I love surprise gifts, but I prefer them to be wrapped. Not shot into my head.

I love surprise gifts, but I prefer them to be wrapped. Not shot into my head.

When we arrived inside the theater, I noticed that my old (in the literal sense**) friends from the Life is Good gang were already sitting down near the front row. Fearing that they would abduct me once again, and knowing that Andrew Jackson would not be able to save me through the power of intercourse this time around as he was away on business in Guatemala, I refrained from saying hello. We took seats near the back row so that we could make a quick exit at the end of the movie.

As the movie began, I was immediately distracted by five words that popped onto the screen.  “Based on two true stories.” As one can imagine, this intrigued me greatly.

Reading the tagline I thought to myself, “Can this be? Can this movie really be based on not one, but TWO TRUE STORIES! Perhaps they will not even relate!” And thus my mind went reeling.

Instead of actually watching the movie, I decided to come up with my own movie plots for when I am a movie executive, following the rule that the script must be based on two true stories that do not relate except that they must allow for a sensible title that involves two words that are nearly identical.***

Here is my list:

Cruise & Crusoe– A man named Tom Cruise tries to make it as an actor in the 1980s while a man by the name of Daniel Defoe writes a book called Robinson Crusoe in the year 1719. Both men turn out to be successful and marry Nicole Kidman at one point in their lives.****

Shyamalan & Babylon– A director/writer named M. (yes just M.) directs/writes increasingly popular and then increasingly unpopular movies while an ancient city named Babylon rises and falls from prominence as well.

Freemen & Semen– A man by the name of Morgan Freeman starts an acting career late in his life and becomes extremely successful as both an actor and a background talker. A teaspoon of semen fails to find an egg and therefore dies.

God & Todd– A supernatural being creates a universe to rule over while a man named Todd tries really hard to get women to like him and land a job as an ad man, marketing material goods. One storyline seems much more trivial than the other.

Anyways, this basically went on for the entire movie, and to be honest Abe about it I did not catch most of it as I was so deep in thought.

So for failing to keep my attention, and appealing to a slightly older crowd (the opposite of DeVry!)…

Today! Even with your leather bracelet and pre-wripped jeans!

Today! Even with your leather bracelet and pre-wripped jeans!

Julie & Julia is so uncool.

*Some people! It’s like, make something of yourself already!
**As in infertile.
***Play the game yourself in the comments! That would be swell! (been watching a lot of Mad Men recently)
****Editor’s Note: Nicole Kidman is very old.

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