glenn beck

About a week ago, I was invited on to the Glenn Beck show on the Fox News Channel to talk about Obama’s handling of the Henry Louis Gates Jr. (black Harvard Professor) arrest. They apparently invited me for my historical precedence on “race issues.”* Although I have a strong suspicion that Glenn Beck is the anti-christ, I agreed to go on the program.

As soon as I arrived at the studio, I was swarmed with make up artists who all were dedicated to the task of covering up or disguising the gaping hole in my head. One woman suggested covering it up with a yamaka and passing me off as just coming from a Jewish friend’s wedding (which for the record I would have been fine with) but she was immediately fired as that idea was “gross” and “this program isn’t trying to send it’s viewers to hell.” Both of those quotes came from Glenn Beck himself.

So tell me Lord am I the antichrist?

So tell me Lord am I the antichrist?

Eventually the program started taping. Glenn started the show off with a metaphor about a cute puppy which represented himself apparently, and a shoe with a metal spike at the end that was repeatedly kicking the cute puppy which represented Obama’s administration. He gave no reason, backing, or evidence as to why this metaphor held up, he just said it and the audience went wild.

After his opening, we went into the Gates/white cop situation. Once again he opened with a metaphor. This time an action figure of the Joker represented Gates, an action figure of Superman represented the white cop, and an action figure of the Devil represented Obama. He explained the situation as the Joker had just blown up Superman with a kryponite bomb and now the Devil was torturing him for eternity. Everybody clapped out of their minds again.

As with his opening, Glenn provided no basis for why his metaphor held up. He was just saying things. So I called him out on this fact.

Glenn did not take this well.

Tears started welling up in his eyes and he asked me, in a sort of whimper, if I loved my country. I told him of course I loved my country.

Glenn-“Then why are you trying to ruin it, Abraham? Why are you trying to destroy the United States of America?”

I told him that in my life I have never given any reason for anybody to believe that I hated my country. One may argue, that I even gave my life for my country by taking such a controversial stand as President in order to protect the entire Union of states from collapsing into two separate entities.

Glenn countered with another metaphor. This time, a game of Mouse Trap represented myself, and the children playing the game represented American citizens.

Glenn-“Why do you not just let the children win the game? Why do you even have to make it difficult for the children to catch the mouse? Is that how you get your kicks? Why can’t all the players win? Everybody likes to win. Why are you depriving America from winning and being happy, Lincoln?”

The audience went wild.

Although I stayed sitting, and took the time to explain his argument into the dust, I regret being so dumb as to not have just stood up and walked out at that point. Clearly I was dealing with a man and an audience that do not factor logic into their decisions, and therefore I was going to lose no matter what I said.

Eventually the audience booed me off the set while Glenn laughed hysterically. As the producers escorted me from the table Glenn had the audience cheer and chant “U.S.A.” as if I, Abraham Lincoln, represented just the opposite.

But I suppose if enough people in the room believe hard enough, the lies become the truth.


Glenn Beck is so uncool.

*Not because of the Emancipation Proclamation, but because of all the black women and sometimes men I slept with during my time as President.


Filed under Television Personalities

6 responses to “LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL glenn beck

  1. Logan

    i always knew there was something wrong with him. Thank you george for shedding light on such an important topic!

  2. Mr Lincoln, you sir, are my President for life.

    Beck gives delusional people a bad name.

  3. How creative and consistent.. nice one..

  4. Pingback: Vinyl Tap » Blog Archive » LINCOLN SAYS UNCOOL Boondocks Saints II: All Saints Day Trailer

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